Caeli’s Book Part 1

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#book #author #mentalhealth #mentalillness #ADHD #distracted #therapy #memory #purpose #routine #planning #organization #laundry #poetry #writing #procrastination

This seems to be the perfect time to start this article and possibly my own book. After mistaking the day and time of my therapy two weeks in a row, I know this novel needs to be shared.

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Friday morning my boyfriend had the first day off in a long time and was sleeping in. I felt bad for waking him up at 8am. Going for a walk, I was exhausted and feeling lazy. Talking on the phone during my walk helped my brain energize. With a final spark, a warm shower was when I was getting my head ready for the difficult session ahead. As I sat down, actually wearing jeans for the first time all week, I was looking forward to keep working on my health and I was proud of how I followed through with my planned routine on a Friday morning where I could be cuddling under my boyfriends warm arm.

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When I got out of the shower, I kept repeating to my boyfriend, “I’m so sorry for waking you up, but I’ve got therapy, so I had to get up”. So, when I sat down at the computer to find my link for this week’s video session, I was confused as to where the email was. I had mistaken last week’s session for Friday as well. So, when the thought, did I really forget AGAIN? Or is it just that I can’t find the email because my brain is so scattered? 

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I started feeling guilty for waking up my boyfriend and myself unnecessarily. Texting my therapist, she replied the same thing for the second week in a row, “No, we have it scheduled for Sunday. Does that still work for you?”. I sat there with the answer on my text messages. Not only had I forgotten, but was ready for something that was not what my brain thought it was. Another mistake. Another misplacement of my day. The dreaded thought hit my chest, like a shotgun which replays my biggest fear that I am terrified will be my reality.

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How can I be so forgetful? What is wrong with me? This kind of behavior is what my grandma with dementia showed…How can I be so thoughtless…Forgetful…Senseless…Where is my awareness…and most of all…. 

Why can’t I remember? When I try so hard to be prepared? Is my life doomed to become a perpetual joke? Call me Dory…Just keep swimming?

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Living in a warp where each day is April Fools. Jokes on you…You have ADHD. Other people just call me flaky and eccentric. But, I don’t want to be eccentric. I want to be seen for who I am. The person who has it all together. The person who knows when she has an appointment and when she can sleep in…It makes me so angry because it continues and continues. Where’s my “participation” ribbon that I can burn in the pit of self-pity?

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Taking ADHD medication for the first time truly helps me focus, which is great! But, it really only helps me when I’ve already started a task and helps me keep going even when I want to take a break. The vexatious part that really digs deep is the fact that it’s like I can’t trust my own mind. Is the thought in my head true or am I just making another misconception of my day? This creates fear that something else will show up that I confuse. My largest fear is that I will be so stuck in my head that I become completely insane. Forgetting your own sister’s birthday will only slide once…Until they stop inviting you.

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Where my accidental actions make my brain see the world as just an unplanned life. Is my purposeful life going to keep being an accident? Is my life an accident? Am I an accident?

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The severity of my thoughts are due to a life-long experience of constant mistakes. Getting an A+ on my test, but failing because I forget to write my name. These types of mishaps I would normally just brush off and laugh about. That’s what my Mom taught me. Never to take yourself too seriously. But, my deal is I take my life so seriously!

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I’m starting to see all of the “purposeless” and unexpected inaccurate choices that I’ve made up until now. I’ve got a Bachelor’s Degree, but I can’t seem to show up at the right day of the week.After so much sweat, the professor throws his arms in the air and says, “I quit!” “What’s the point of trying anymore?!”.

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You can’t live a life without schedules, appointments, or requirements that you must follow-through on. You also can’t live a life constantly blaming yourself for messing up when you know your intelligence is high. The rest of the world seems to be able to remember what they did last week. So, why do I have to sit in meditation to remember what happened every day?

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It’s like I’m just living without intention. But, the fact is that in order to even get myself to the point where I feel prepared, energetic, positive and confident, I have to keep having memory achievements and follow-throughs. But, when I fail, I get so emotional because I just want to crawl back into bed and forget everything. Can someone else plan my life for me? I need my own personal secretary to keep me on track. I have 2 planners, but sometimes I still them. I have reminders on my phone, calendar and alarms.

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I’ve got to make a routine of using my planner every morning and every night. Planning my week. Reviewing my week. Reviewing what things I did. Did I remember to check that task off? Did I look at my planner today? I was so successful in school because I realized I could not remember to do my homework and keep everything together and another job and my family, friends, personal life and my appointments all together. I’d rather be viewed as the overachiever than the not-show-upper.

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I started to get lower grades in some classes. But, once I started using my planners like I had planning OCD, I was able to get my grades up and not have to stress about missing another moment of my life experience. I will have to take away the loss of control feeling that I have and encourage myself every day to plan like I still am in school…Just for the rest of my life. The thing is, if I want to feel confident, successful and IN control of my life, I will have to do the things that work for ME. It does not matter all the qualities that I have vs. the “regular” population. What matters is that I keep MYSELF on track.

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Every morning I will have to add my planner to my morning and nightly routine. That way I can have the free time that I need and be able to do a task for a certain amount of time and then switch, if necessary. Or, if I have time to just do nothing…I can schedule that in as well. I do have a ton of laundry in my closet that I need to do and all sorts of other things around the house that I think about wanting to accomplish. I forget about them and don’t necessarily want to do them all. Then by Friday I look in the closet and it is overwhelming seeing how much work I have. Scheduling it out, like I would with my homework, will make it much easier to accomplish.

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The person that I want to be seen as…If I want that to be a reality and I want to be able to believe this as my true label that I don’t have to be ashamed of…Then confidence will come…

Think about having 6 different T.V. channels playing at the same time and someone keeps asking you if you want another piece of chocolate or if you’d like to plan your next trip to Africa. Or if maybe you will just take a nap. It prevents you from giving your 100% all the time, because your attention is split up into different directions around the room. Like a game of ping pong, where the ball jumps back and forth when stimulus is in front of it.

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So, basically if I see a really cute dog, I will then create a movie of my life with that dog, r even what it’s like to talk like that dog. Those are all fun things, but when you always have to be bothered by the things that are in front of your eyes, it can start getting stale. It’s like your brain is trying to tell your body to not care when behind the exterior you are more complex. This is why writing poetry has been so beneficial for me.

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Writing is the only time that I can get into a dimension of only words which helps feed out all of the word garbage from my mind in order to create functional sentences. Creating my own message to the world will hopefully just calm my brain enough that I can finally go to sleep for awhile….And just relax. Like I’m going to do right now. 😀

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73f2f3b4c9d49de62550a218a84d9bfdNEED more? Read CH 2 Here…https://caeliswords.com/2020/05/27/caelis-book-ch2-rewritten-how-exercise-saved-my-life/

You know you want to read it….And like it….And comment…And share. Did you click? If you do, your karma will be restored. Karma Loading….

3 thoughts on “Caeli’s Book Part 1

  1. You most definitely are not alone in this matter. Just to give you an idea I forgot the word sidewalk. Was having a conversation and blanked. I had to make waving motions with hands and say ‘you know that thing you walk on’. I love telling this story because it is so silly. Also this year could not figure out why the month of March was lasting so damn long. Like a hundred days or more. When it was pointed out to me that I was in the wrong month I actually argued for a bit before realizing I was wrong.
    I read that when you forget simple things that it is your brain……your brain decides what is important and what is not. I have had to start writing down appointments in phone calendar and set up alerts so I do not forget.
    I am not making light of your fears am hoping to alleviate some in that it is normal. And as a highly intelligent person your brain probably has a million thoughts going through it at any given time. Ease up on yourself a little. No one is ever harder on themselves than they are.

    Liked by 1 person

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