Caeli’s Book Chapter 2: Exercise Saved My Life Rewri

#fitness #health #wellness #mentalwellness #hospital #near-death #recovery #cancer #family #problems #anxiety #adhd #bipolar #depression #PTSD

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I was against exercise because I was so tall that my weight carried out evenly. Body positivity was just becoming huge when I was young.

But then, when you start to not see your own toes, you start to wonder if they should really be promoting acceptability of a woman’s size 24…Of course women should have the option for all workout exercise balanced.

As a kid, I went home every day, and got into video games, instead of playing outside with the other kids. Quickly, I became chubby and already obese at age 10. To make all matters worse, in 5th grade, I joined orchestra.

Middle school came, and the bullying continued. P.E. class was the worst. This is when my asthma flared up, a condition I had since birth, which made it harder to exercise.

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Then after another bad relationship, I said that is enough. I was going to Masters School to be a teacher. Then, my mom got cancer. Mental health dwindling, I grasped onto the go-go determination I wanted to control.

Unable to balance all of this, I questioned my

life. Can I handle this life anymore?

With every struggle I fell down even harder.

I hated the people around me, especially the happy ones…and most of all I hated myself. Every day I would hide from my reflection, and te

ll people I was happy, fine and got that whole body positivity thing goin’ on.

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My anxiety got worse. I told people that I would never

end my life, but my brain kept reviewing the idea. Doctors flipped through multiple diagnosis’. Anxiety, depression, PTSD, social-anxiety, trauma, abuse, possible schizophrenic and OCD tendencies? I was one bundle of “I’m overwhelmed”. So, my body took over..Always in fight or flight, pushing my brain to the back burner.

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Running around like a chicken with my head cut off,  I kept thinking, Somebody just sedate me!

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I decided a doctor was needed so I could get back to reality. I told the doctor what I was going through.

Wanting to end. Wanting to change. Wanting to b

e someone else. Wanting the pain to go away. I explained to him that I was always on edge, nervous and hyper-aware but still I was depression, fits of crying and mental wipeouts every minute. What kind of life is that living in disassociation?

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That is when I got on medication for the first time, which caused me panic attacks to get on panic attack meds..

Once on them, it’s like I couldn’t sleep enough. Wasn’t that why I got on medicine…So I could have more motivation? I felt happy that I w

asn’t nervous anymore. But, I couldn’t drive anymore because I would fall asleep halfway through. I would take multiple naps a day and once I woke up would take another pill and head back into dreamland. Am I going to let myself sleep my life away?

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Now I wasn’t anxious…But, I was extremely depressed while on depression medicine…?! How is that even possible?! Do I even want to life…If this is what life is?!

I kept bothering my doctor in fits of panic. Calling my therapist and psychiatrist telling them I was having new symptoms.

Some people may develop muscle-related side effects while taking aripiprazole. The technical terms for these are “extrapyramidal symptoms” (EPS) and “tardive dyskinesia” (TD). Symptoms of EPS include restlessness, tremor, and stiffness.

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He gave me something for depression which skyrocketed my anxiety. They put me on something called Abilify for depression…With HORRIBLE SIDE EFFECTS.

I became a constant pacing roadrunner…And couldn’t do enough things during the day. If I was alone for a minute, I would start to panic because I could not stop my body from moving. I lost 10 pounds a week from not being able to stop moving and not liking the taste of food. Not wanting to eat?! That is NOT me! Something must be up…I lost a ton of weight and fit into clothes that I couldn’t wear since I was younger…But…I felt like shit and went into the hospital for a panic attack that I thought was a “heart attack”.

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I was so dehydrated they had to put a needle in my shoulder and manually pump blood from my left shoulder. I can still feel it. This lasted for hours…Just to get one vile of blood out of me. I had many trips to the hospital that I thought were “health issues”, but just turned out to be panic. So now I feel eerie ever

y time I walk into a hospital. I feel “trapped”.

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Going home was the best thing to me. But, still I was on the same medicine…Because I didn’t know until…I started taking benadryl regularly just to be able to sit and watch T.V. Would I just become an addict who’s lost their mind?

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I started having racing thoughts and every time I stopped moving…thoughts of suicide would come into my brain. THAT IS IT! MY DOCTOR DIDN’T UNDERSTAND WHY I HAD THESE SIDE EFFECTS AND DIDN’T BELIEVE ME! I said THAT IS IT! NO MORE ADVICE FROM YOU!

So…I stopped all medications.RelievedPlumpCoqui-size_restricted

How patronizing is it when someone asks…”DID YOU TAKE YOUR MEDICATION TODAY?” That’s like asking me… “Are you on your period right now…You’re emotional…” NO!

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LET

ME

TELL YOU

I have a degree and I am holding onto my Mom for d

ear life and also taking care of her illness? Does that make me wrong?

I realized the only way to move on was to just do it. After multiple panic attacks daily, my dad helped me through each one…Somehow he was so calm when I was an absolute mess. Thanks, Dad. 🙂 But, then I started to feel the bits of depression creeping in again and the weighted feeling of wanting nothing…Empty.

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I got off my medication slowly…And got on new ones. Found a friend to help me get a random part-time job…And got back into the world. That was the start of my recovery.

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Every once in awhile I would take an anxiety pill that would incapacitate me. Now I realize they were just a crutch. I still keep them…Just in case. But, don’t need them..Or just deal with it not always very well.

I got rid of that psychiatrist and most of his medications

…Got a new doctor IMMEDIATELY…

My new doctor said I have PCOS..And I might not b

e able to have children…Needless to say, I moved back in with my parents. I’d had enough.

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I started to think…Maybe there is more to me than what my doctors say…I started walking my dog and going to work 4 hours a day and basic

ally living off of my parents and watch a TON of T.V. But I wasn’t always a mess. I was taking it one step at a time.

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All sorts of good things started happening again. And I met the love of my life who really kick-pushed-motivated and continues with me on my growth. I have lost 70 pounds…the right way. I am now on medications that stabilize me

and found out the REAL bugger is ADHD muggled in all of the other stuff.

You could say this is the beginning of a relatively stable Caeli.

Deciding to exercise in spite of difficulties that one night when has saved my life.

And opened new windows to my life. A child, perhaps? 😀

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2 thoughts on “Caeli’s Book Chapter 2: Exercise Saved My Life Rewri

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