#writer #mentalhealth #wellness #fitness #mentalillness #PTSD #PCOS #woman #anorexia #binge-eating #recovery #medication #pills
I was against exercise because I was so tall that my weight carried out evenly. Body positivity was just becoming huge when I was young.
But then, when you start to not see your own toes, you start to wonder if they should really be promoting acceptability of a woman’s size 24…Of course women should have the option for all workout exercise balanced.
As a kid, I went home every day, and got into video games, instead of playing outside with the other kids. Quickly, I became chubby and already obese at age 10. To make all matters worse, in 5th grade, I joined orchestra.
Middle school came, and the bullying continued. P.E. class was the worst. This is when my asthma flared up, a condition I had since birth, which made it harder to exercise.
Then after another bad relationship, I said that is enough. I was going to Masters School to be a teacher. Then, my mom got cancer. Mental health dwindling, I grasped onto the go-go determination I wanted to control.
Unable to balance all of this, I questioned my
life. Can I handle this life anymore?
With every struggle I fell down even harder.
I hated the people around me, especially the happy ones…and most of all I hated myself. Every day I would hide from my reflection, and te
ll people I was happy, fine and got that whole body positivity thing goin’ on.
My anxiety got worse. I told people that I would never
end my life, but my brain kept reviewing the idea. Doctors flipped through multiple diagnosis’. Anxiety, depression, PTSD, social-anxiety, trauma, abuse, possible schizophrenic and OCD tendencies? I was one bundle of “I’m overwhelmed”. So, my body took over..Always in fight or flight, pushing my brain to the back burner.
Running around like a chicken with my head cut off, I kept thinking, Somebody just sedate me!
I decided a doctor was needed so I could get back to reality. I told the doctor what I was going through.
Wanting to end. Wanting to change. Wanting to b
e someone else. Wanting the pain to go away. I explained to him that I was always on edge, nervous and hyper-aware but still I was depression, fits of crying and mental wipeouts every minute. What kind of life is that living in disassociation?
That is when I got on medication for the first time, which caused me panic attacks to get on panic attack meds..
Once on them, it’s like I couldn’t sleep enough. Wasn’t that why I got on medicine…So I could have more motivation? I felt happy that I w
asn’t nervous anymore. But, I couldn’t drive anymore because I would fall asleep halfway through. I would take multiple naps a day and once I woke up would take another pill and head back into dreamland. Am I going to let myself sleep my life away?
Now I wasn’t anxious…But, I was extremely depressed while on depression medicine…?! How is that even possible?! Do I even want to life…If this is what life is?!
I kept bothering my doctor in fits of panic. Calling my therapist and psychiatrist telling them I was having new symptoms.
Some people may develop muscle-related side effects while taking aripiprazole. The technical terms for these are “extrapyramidal symptoms” (EPS) and “tardive dyskinesia” (TD). Symptoms of EPS include restlessness, tremor, and stiffness.
He gave me something for depression which skyrocketed my anxiety. They put me on something called Abilify for depression…With HORRIBLE SIDE EFFECTS.
I became a constant pacing roadrunner…And couldn’t do enough things during the day. If I was alone for a minute, I would start to panic because I could not stop my body from moving. I lost 10 pounds a week from not being able to stop moving and not liking the taste of food. Not wanting to eat?! That is NOT me! Something must be up…I lost a ton of weight and fit into clothes that I couldn’t wear since I was younger…But…I felt like shit and went into the hospital for a panic attack that I thought was a “heart attack”.
I was so dehydrated they had to put a needle in my shoulder and manually pump blood from my left shoulder. I can still feel it. This lasted for hours…Just to get one vile of blood out of me. I had many trips to the hospital that I thought were “health issues”, but just turned out to be panic. So now I feel eerie ever
y time I walk into a hospital. I feel “trapped”.
Going home was the best thing to me. But, still I was on the same medicine…Because I didn’t know until…I started taking benadryl regularly just to be able to sit and watch T.V. Would I just become an addict who’s lost their mind?
I started having racing thoughts and every time I stopped moving…thoughts of suicide would come into my brain. THAT IS IT! MY DOCTOR DIDN’T UNDERSTAND WHY I HAD THESE SIDE EFFECTS AND DIDN’T BELIEVE ME! I said THAT IS IT! NO MORE ADVICE FROM YOU!
So…I stopped all medications.
How patronizing is it when someone asks…”DID YOU TAKE YOUR MEDICATION TODAY?” That’s like asking me… “Are you on your period right now…You’re emotional…” NO!
I have a degree and I am holding onto my Mom for d
ear life and also taking care of her illness? Does that make me wrong?
I realized the only way to move on was to just do it. After multiple panic attacks daily, my dad helped me through each one…Somehow he was so calm when I was an absolute mess. Thanks, Dad. 🙂 But, then I started to feel the bits of depression creeping in again and the weighted feeling of wanting nothing…Empty.
I got off my medication slowly…And got on new ones. Found a friend to help me get a random part-time job…And got back into the world. That was the start of my recovery.
Every once in awhile I would take an anxiety pill that would incapacitate me. Now I realize they were just a crutch. I still keep them…Just in case. But, don’t need them..Or just deal with it not always very well.
I got rid of that psychiatrist and most of his medications
…Got a new doctor IMMEDIATELY…
My new doctor said I have PCOS..And I might not b
e able to have children…Needless to say, I moved back in with my parents. I’d had enough.
I started to think…Maybe there is more to me than what my doctors say…I started walking my dog and going to work 4 hours a day and basic
ally living off of my parents and watch a TON of T.V. But I wasn’t always a mess. I was taking it one step at a time.
All sorts of good things started happening again. And I met the love of my life who really kick-pushed-motivated and continues with me on my growth. I have lost 70 pounds…the right way. I am now on medications that stabilize me
and found out the REAL bugger is ADHD muggled in all of the other stuff.
You could say this is the beginning of a relatively stable Caeli.
Deciding to exercise in spite of difficulties that one night when has saved my life.
And opened new windows to my life. A child, perhaps? 😀